I now understand why people say that your first love is unforgettable.
I also understand why people say your first love is the most painful. It is not to say that all loves that come after are simpler, or lesser, or easier. It is to say that in many ways, good and bad, my first love was the one that proved to me - like a complicated Math proof that you don't know is right (or wrong) till you get to the end - that I was capable. Capable of love. A friendship beyond bounds. The strength to share a soul. And if it was so, that I was incapable, it was what taught me that I must learn. That there is a softness and brutality in seeing your wrongs, and making them rights again. For what its worth.
To the boy I loved before...
There were words missing in that last text I sent you. Feelings that were unsaid on the day we parted. Messages that got lost in translation. Confessions that remained secrets. Heartbreak that was silent.
To the boy who showed me how to be in love... there were "thank you"s that were long overdue. "Sorry"s that never got said. Credit not given where credit was due. There were accusations made, not enough responsibility taken and forgiveness given but not forgotten.
To the boy that I grew up with... you were right, the world is cruel. The words you said were true. I now believe you were trying to protect me too. I know there were things you saw and knew that I was to naïve too believe could be real. Maybe you were right, when you said we lived in opposite worlds: me in the clouds and you on earth.
To the boy I can no longer care for now... I wish I had said, back when it mattered, that your baggage didn't trouble me. Your struggles made you human. I never thought you were a burden. I wish I hadn't pushed you into the medication, the pills you found a home in when it was no longer me that you could be with.
I know there are words you, too, never said. Our guilt is nothing but an ache in our hearts that may forever be there.
As the girl you once loved... I am sorry that my ways distressed you. That your love for me was so much of heart and so little of head. It's not easy to be so unconditionally loved, as I were, that it scared me. I can't excuse the way I left nor the things you said but I know that our story deserved to be written differently. I am terrified that you will never find love again.
As the girl whose heart broke for you... I wish I could say the world is as kind as you are; that you will one day receive some fraction of the generosity you are throwing at it. I wish it were true to say that you would get all that you deserve. I am angry at a universe that cares naught for my emotion, furious at the Gods that I don't believe in for how a soul as pure as yours came to be stuck in a world so colourless.
As the girl who saw the whole world in you... I never learned to be as vulnerable as you. I wish I could've given you everything you gave me. I am eager to give the world the love and care you believe it so deserves. I have not been more proud of a person than I have been of you. I could never pretend to even be half the person you are.
As the girl that let you go... I have since then learned more of love. There are feelings I have discovered that we never gave each other. Many lessons that have made me appreciate you more. I have occasionally spoken to the air, whispered words, and cried tears that were tailored for you, much long after my heart parted yours. Since then, I have learned that love doesn't have to hurt so much. That I was capable of loving without hurting another.
Everyone says this, but I don't believe a love like ours is common. I can't image of two people who loved and hurt more than we did each other. It was the pain that taught us that we could be safe with each other. Vulnerability that showed us that only we understood each other. We were family before friends, best friends before lovers and interwoven souls before people. You taught me to love the moon.
If I could go back in time, I can say more confidently than I have known anything in my life: I would have loved you again. And again and again. More fiercely than I ever did. I would have stuck by you through our years of happiness and sorrow, knowing that one day there would be an end. Aware that, even though you were my first love, we never made it to the finish line.
To the one person who may never read this, I wish you knew how you made me more human than I could have ever imagined being. I think that we are past our past of fighting and raging. Even more so, it is heartbreaking to me that we are past the point of fixing the things we broke. The fake smiles and pleasantries are all that sit in the silence between our souls.
To the boy I loved before, this is the girl that you once loved. She says a part of her will forever belong to you.
I think a part of you will always be with me too.
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